The Blager Times

A friend who happens to be an NBC executive was telling me how Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb received an hour long talk show that concluded the Today Show. He told it like this:

I was in a high stakes poker game when my opponent said,

“If you lose this hand, you have to give Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb and entire hour to talk about any bullshit they want to at the end of The Today Show.”

I responded with a counter-wager.

“And if you lose, you have to find out what’s going on in Al Roker’s neck of the woods.”

I knew what I had gotten myself in to. I know no one wants to listen to Kathie Lee make stupid comments and Hoda talk about puppies. The other wager was pretty bad too.

In the end I only had two pair to his full house. I was devastated. Now Kathie Lee and Hoda have a talk show where anything that pops into their mind they just blurt out.

Although I wanted to beat him with a child’s rocking chair, I just kicked him out. Then shouted,

“How dare you subject America to that!”

I slammed my door and poured a pint.

I love to run. It’s an absolute stress reliever and a great challenge. Currently my mile time is a mediocre 4:38. Due to a recent health issue, I haven’t been able to run like I want to and drop my time down to meet my goal. So when Bella told me she had to run the mile for P.E., I had no problem volunteering myself to do it for her.

“I could just put on a red wig and run it for you.”

“What happens when you pass by and they realize you’re much taller?” inquired Stella.

“Man, I’ll be going so fast it’ll just be a red blur.”

“Yeah, like they’re going to believe I ran a 4:00 mile,” doubted Bella.

“Sure they will, just say: Red Bull gives you wings!” assured Stella.

For sheer enjoyment, I paint on canvas  using oil or acrylic paint. For this Valentine’s day, I painted a couple paintings for my girlfriend, Cinderella.

“Window to April”

This painting was inspired by Cinderella’s favorite flower, the sun flower. I thought it would be cool to have the sun flower appear as the sun. It turned out quite nicely and is very pleasant on the eyes. I titled it “Window to April” due Cinderella’s birthday being in April. She loved it and was quite excited to hang it.

“Skanking it easy with The Rasta Elephant and The Irish Penguin”

“Skanking it easy with The Rasta Elephant and the Irish Penguin” was an idea formed by Cinderella and I. I’m not sure how it completely transformed into that particular image but it looks awesome. It took every ounce of control I had to not make the Rasta elephant and the Irish penguin toking the ganja. But the implication is there and sometimes  that’s better than making it brazenly obvious. This painting is probably my favorite I’ve done. I finished in about two days. Guess where it’s hanging. In Cinderella’s room right next to the other.

Shortly after departing from the driveway, Brim,  Wooderson and A-train returned stumbling over  each other. Everyone was laughing and checking their wounds from the treacherous bike ride. We grabbed our pint glasses. Beers were on again!

During another drunken brainstorm, someone came up with the brilliant idea of going to Denny’s. It was 4:30am and everyone was wasted. Driving would be an act of sheer stupidity and Pops would certainly unleash the spoken of, but never actually witnessed, 49 punch combination on each and everyone of  our noggins. This called for reinforcements. We called our friend Carl who lives a mile away. The conversation sounded like this:

“Hey, hey, come get us. We’re drinking and we need you to take us to Denny’s.  Whaat? No. We’re hungry. If you don’t, we’ll  drive ourselves,” persuaded A-Train, he’s a whore but in that totally persuasive kind of way.

This ended the phone conversation. He was on his way. Everyone was stoked.

Carl pulled up in his white car around 5:00ish.  The sky was just beginning to transcend from black to purple. The car ride was spent laughing and making fun of each other. Carl just kinda looked uncomfortable and had that,”oh shit, don’t let me get caught with these fuckers in this condition,” look on his face. It was amusing.

So we go into Denny’s and we’re the only ones there. The middle-aged waitress retrieved our menus and walked us to a table. I picked the chair at the end of the table and did my best to not miss the chair. She took our drinks and we all began debating about what to eat. During this time, I had to use the restroom a few times. Getting there was a pain in the ass. It was damn near impossible to see where I was going. I was absolutely sure I was out of it. It was a difficult, but not impossible task.

When I arrived back at the table, everyone was being loud and not giving a damn about how we appeared to anyone else. Thankfully, the waitress seemed to be amused with us. Probably due to most of us being decently good looking and A-Train being a complete whore.

When it was Brim’s turn to make the uncertain trip to the urinal, strangely I had the impulse to put salt in his hot chocolate. Of course I knew Brim was a freak for hot chocolate and loved the stupid drink. Everyone busted up laughing and encouraged  it. When he got back, He took a drink and didn’t really notice it at first. Then he leaned over to me and said,

“This is kinda salty.”

This galvanized additional laughter at the table. Brim laughed it off and cursed at us a few times.

When the food arrived, it seemed everyone got something different. We all shared off  each others plates and chowed down. Thank god for the food, I sobered up a bit but still had a nice head hum. Everyone pulled out they’re wallets and paid. Unfortunately we were still drunk and had a terrible time with the exit, pushing the door when the sign said pull. This mistake was discovered by Carl, the sober one. Everyone told Carl to shut up as he began to make fun of us.

By now it was light outside and was about 6:30. We arrived home, crashed and began sobering up to Dazed and Confused since Carl hadn’t seen it. I looked over at Wooderson knowing he would be the only one willing to agree to my plan.

“Hey, wanna have another beer?” I asked.

“It’s almost 7? Yeah, I’m thirsty”

We walked out to the garage which wreaked of old beer and cigar smoke. Even Zander, the dog, looked worn out. We poured a couple beers and went back inside to sit down. Everyone looked like they were on the verge of passing out. Wooderson and I laughed and sneered, “Pussies!”

After a couple more beers, Wooderson and I were getting sleepy. I passed out in the floor for about thirty minutes. When I came to, A-train was getting ready for work and looked like a mess, probably not acceptable for an Abercrombie and Fitch employee, heh, what the hell it was just a summer job! Carl was still awake  and was watching TV. I asked him what he thought of Dazed and Confused.

“I didn’t like all the drinking and pot smoking.” Carl stated.

I left it at that. A-Train and Carl bailed while Wooderson and Brim continued sleeping.

Around 11:30 everyone was up and decided doughnuts would be good. Wooderson, Brim and I jumped into Brim’s jeep. In the summer here, It gets really hot. Over a hundred everyday and by now it was ninety degrees. We all thought it was a nice day, probably because the hangovers hadn’t set in yet. We got our  doughnuts  and went back  home. Eventually Brim and Wooderson left and the party was over. Pub night was a blast.

Of course later that night Wooderson and Brim returned. Wooderson and I stayed up drinking beer all the way til 4 in the morning while Brim sat this fiesta out. Wooderson and I called several people. At one point, he and I both were on a three-way call with a friend of mine while we were in the same room. It was ridiculous.

Good times. Goooood times.

This was “Pub Night” with  A-Train, Wooderson, Brim, and Pops. The keg-orator in the garage was filled with a fresh keg from the local micro-brewery. It was a golden ale that everyone seemed to be enjoying. I had just left to exchange my old, beer stained pint glass for a fresh one. It was then that I realized it was close to 3:00am and everyone was pretty out of it.

On return from the kitchen, I opened the garage door only to be hit with the aroma of cigar smoke and old beer. I said,

” It’s 3:00am, man it’s late.”

A-Train replied with,” Yes, But Alexander Hamilton doesn’t mind!” in a half-ass Sean Connery impersonation.

Of course this comment only resulted in laughter from: Pops, Wooderson, and Brim. He was referencing my small, fat dog,  Alexander Hamilton. Zander, for short, he responds to it better and it’s certainly less embarrassing to yell down the street when he has taken to roaming about the neighborhood.

Unfortunately my memory between the time of 3:00am to 4:00am is fairly cloudy. All I can tell you is that beer was flowing consistently.  I think it was about this time that Pops said,

“4:00am? Shit! I need to get work done tomorrow or  today, whatever. Night, don’t go queering off now that you guys are drunk and exhibiting your true feelings for each other. ”

Everyone busted up laughing and someone responded with:

“F*** you too dickhead!” in their best Rory Cochrane impersonation from my all time favorite movie, Dazed and Confused. We had watched that movie about fifty times the night before at the beginning of Pub Night.

“Your Pops is hilarious,” said A-Train

Wooderson added  “Yeah, man.”

I believe it was then that we harassed Brim some more for his refusal to drink beer. He always responded with, “I’ve had five shots!” Even though there was no liquor bottle in sight.

Finally, a brilliant idea was tossed into the drunken brainstorm. Lets ride bicycles! There was a Schwinn Beach Cruiser with a little kids bike connected to the back of it and some other bike Brim jumped on. I decided to sit out because I was well aware of the high chance of face rearrangement that could be involved on this expedition. I watched them take off into the dark morning, laughing, cursing, and nearly careening into one another.